Hope

I am surprised that I haven't left a blog on hope since I considered it to be one of the most important things.
The way I see it is what we hope for will determine what motivates us, and what motivates us will determine our actions.
With out hope there is no motivation, which translates into no actions.
For me I need both long term, and short term hope.
The question then becomes what do we hope for?
I find that is a hard question to answer.

I find the hardest things to do is to be on the edge and not know whether I should hope or not.
Right now I find I need to change what I hope for, that doesn't mean I am closing any doors, but it does mean that my motivations and my actions will probably change. Like me I always have many ideas and I need to sift through what I like and don't and ask God for direction. Seems to me I always give everything I can into the things I hope for, but that doesn't mean I do it right, that I should, that it means anything. hummm ...

So yah a new direction :)

Something completely different

So if you want to throw me in the crazy bin after this post, I don't blame you. There are some parallels with my life but I could very well be wrong about them because I have been before.

This is a dream I had this morning, and I can't sleep so I am posting it now.

I can't remember what I was doing but it was something insignificant in my dream, and the weather was gloomy, cold and things were not terrible good.
I felt a need to ask God to speak to me so I did.
The weather turned bad, and things where miserable like one of those freak summer storms.
The wind was so strong that I could hardly stand.
So I screamed out God speak to me
And then he did,
I can't remember what he said but I remember that there was a need for a sacrifice.
There was a cow and I had of all things a hula hoop to use and though I tried hard I couldn't sacrifice the cow and then it was gone.
Then another cow came and I was trying again.

Then I woke up.

Right at this instant I remembered from church this Sunday (we had a guest couple from promise keepers) that she said she had woken up at 3:16 and so she shared John 3:16. I checked the clock and it was 3:19 and so I will share John 3:19.

"And this is the judgement, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their works were evil." ASV

For me this verse is explaining reaction to light, which could be interpreted as God's saving grace or a whole host of things. We hate God's grace because it shows our wickedness. We don't hate the light because of the light but rather what it shows in us. For me I have had to realize what I am doing, I am so caught up in hiding stuff and hating the light for what it does that I miss the whole point of light. The light is meant to save us, and the brightness that exposes us is there so that we can give those areas to God.

I wrote this on the fifth of April or sometime around then.

This is the second or third area in my life I have had to use this.
It is when you feel like surrender is giving in,
it is really the victory dance
because in surrendering you destroy the power it has over you.
I am no longer clenching this chain that is holding me down.
Though I know it will probably come back again I hold this
memory of it's defeat to use against it.

Getting back to my dream, I guess there is some things that I stick out to me that I would like prayer about and I will pray about. I am using the wrong instrument, there is no way a hula hoop is going to work so pray that I can find the right instrument. The second thing and it has to do with the first is that I can complete the sacrifice.

Wow I am hungry! ummmmm...... that could be interpreted wrong I am actually hungry lol

What shapes my Understanding

I know of someone who said he wished he could take my pain away,
who really taught me about compassion, giving, self sacrifice ...

That same person had a cow turned on him and charge.
I can't remember how big it was but is was many times his weight.
Bare handed he grabbed the cow by the horns while it was charging him and took it down to the dirt.
He held the cow down until the trailer came in which he loaded it into.
He was unharmed.

He never tells this story unless asked about it.
I've never seen him use his physical strength against people, though he could.
He would rather stand up for people that needed help.

What I'm trying to get at is that self worth gained from boasting or creating fear, is a poor way of getting self worth. But it involves the least amount of work.

I try to ask myself many times what am I trying to do when I post to this blog. Many times when I say I need a break from this blog it is because I am unclear what I am trying to do, and I need to think it over. I never want this to be a form of boasting.

In the News

I was completely blown away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

and it also relates.

Quote

“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” Albert Einstein

Today

Today was surreal, in a good way.
It's one of those days where things are moving,
and you have no idea why, where, how.
I have no control, never planned it,
things just happen.

I feel the need to start journalling again,
but I find it impossible to record what I want.
But I will try.

nostalgia

What hits me the hardest,
is when we throw away what has been given to us.
I guess that is true freedom that God has given us.
We always have the freedom to shove his gifts in his face, and walk away.
I know I have done it, many times.
I believe that comes for C.S Lewis The Great Divorce.

I know many times I have had to crawl up in a ball on the floor,
feel my incompetence, feel my limits, and say God I am nothing you are all.
Many times I have had to say all this is useless, with out you God.
I have nostalgic feeling about the floor.
Best place to listen to music.