I realize my inadequacy

I realize my inadequacy of my words to describe what I think.
I realize my inadequacy of what I think compared with what should be thought.
I realize my inadequacy to understand what the almighty is trying to tell me.
I realize my inadequacy to understand what's around me.
I realize my inadequacy of my brain to comprehend even simple things.
Then you soon find out how far my words are from what should be,
and so I try and try again.

Effects

So I was going to write a post on everyday drugs and how we need them, and how I thought they were unnecessary, but well there are more important things.

So you may be wondering why I have chosen to post this picture. Not the most flattering, it's just that I figured something out that was puzzling me.

I have recently added Mr. Beans Holiday to my movie collection and after the second, or third time watching it I figured it out. Mr. Bean(Rowan Atkinson) does the same thing when his picture is taken. Lol To think Mr. Bean has affected me somewhere in the subconsciouses level lol. That is just to funny.

I find part of life is finding the right heroes and finding out what we can learn from them. This usually happens at the same time for me. A hero to me is someone has something to teach the rest of us.

If you watch the extra features, you hear how dedicated Rowan Atkinson is. How he puts so much energy into what he does. That is something I can learn from, how if you work hard and care about what you do it will appear that you don't work at all. When you care about the result and not being recognized by the effort.

Blog

So God told me this blog was taking a new direction, and me being me came up with like 20 new things I could do. But it turns out it wasn't really up to me, it was already changing.
I find silence about our struggles is a strong enemy. Who am I trying to impress anyways, I'm not impressed by cold people. So here you have it.

General

A new perspective, things look different.
Is this me or a different cover
The road is stony where to go.
My checks throw a red flag.
Am I becoming what I hate.
(A self conceited, goal oriented, workaholic)
What do I keep, What do I throw away?
I do know I have never prayed so hard,
never been so open, never stepped so far across the lines,
never had suck refusal to be put down.

Oh God I am weak
and I owe you everything
I don't want either side
show me the straight and narrow
show me your way
give me your strength.

You have promised you are on the other side
You will take care of me,
I have nothing to fear because you have conquered all.
why do I fear?
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for calming my soul.
Thank you for guiding me even when things where hard
Thank you for being here.

The road continues

The road pulls ahead,
and the journey continues.
I rely on God making me resilient.
I keep hoping and fighting,
I keep the end in sight.

I hope it's not to late,
to say what I mean.
All the way down under,
on the other side of this world
I wonder if things are still the same.
Or is it just me that's crazy.

This road has many more twists I'm sure ,
I will deal with them as they come
no need to worry now.
I have angst against people
telling me my ideas are stupid in what ever way it's said,
I've spent way to much time,
evaluating their ideas to see if there's any truth to what they say.
I'm taking your words at first glance.
Your soul as backing,
and the rest of the work to change my mind is in God's hands
I find logic and evaluation leads you to a corner with no way out.

Ideas are plenty,
comments are a never ending flood.
Their worth is almost nothing.
It's time that determines the truth.
Only a few things last forever.

God lead me.

I shouldn't expect them to

Some people just don't seem to understand, and I guess I shouldn't expect them to.
Your advice seems to be for yourself.
I am who I am and and thank God only he can change that.
This years battles are dwarfed by the ones of the past.
Can't you see that I'm doing fine.
I'm deep in thought it's not because my life is falling apart
It's just that things are moving and God is working.
Everyone's different so why do you expect that I'm the same.
So let me make my own mistakes,
because I'm living my life.

Don't you see that words are cheep and the more you repeat the less their worth.

Don't you understand words are just the medium, it's your motives that count.
Your not supposed to live by logic it is just a tool.

Don't you see that people care more about how you treat them then what you think.

So many things uncertain

I find again there are so many things to hard to understand,
so many things uncertain.
I am left flip flopping experimenting,
seeing what works, and yet I have no clue.
I pray and you answer me in your mercy and grace
"follow me".
I find I care less about what I know,
I find I care less about what direction I'm going,
knowing that I am in the hand of God and
there is little i can do for him to let me go.
Who really cares, this life is so short and I have a Saviour that will forgive.
So God I pray that you would leave my worrying, my fussing, fear behind and teach me to trust.

Million more to go

It's felt like I've traveled a million miles this summer, and there's a million more to go. God is intent on his transformation and I pray he completes it even though it will take a life time.

I remember the night I started my rebellion against the rules of culture, it had it's roots in how people destroy each other. I find the weight of the world crushes you. We can't stop our destructive nature.

God seems to repeatedly teach me to let it all go and trust Jesus. A road of discovery of the basics of human living and who we are.

Put on hold

I'm putting this blog on hold for a bit, if your looking for a post check the previous months.

It seems as though the struggle continues.

I flip through these old pages,
I see pictures of the past and wonder.
It seems as though the struggle continues.
Am I bridging the gap
of acceptance and isolation, cowardice and bravery.
New lines are being drawn
and the first skirmishes are seen of power and money
I had found that I have prepared well
but do I want to go to battle.
I have a history of making my own rules
making my own battles, but to what end.
Do I really know more about this fight?
Am I going to make the same mistakes?
I find again that I have no desire to be king,
no desire for the prizes offered,
and it is very easy to be cynical and cast my condemnation,
but that never gets anywhere.
I am left wondering what am I to do.
What am I to fight for?
I am on my knees again asking for guidance and strength.
I pray hard that God will forgive and he would leave my blindness behind,
because I am in need of his help.